Because some people have asked…

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus. ~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

In February of 2018, my older brother died from a massive heart attack at the age of 49. He had lived with my husband and me for 10 years, so we had gotten somewhat close over that time. I have no idea whether or not my brother was saved, which breaks my heart.

My brother and I had talked about Jesus Christ dying on the cross for our sins and he claimed to believe what the Bible said. But he never had a penchant to read the Bible or pray, that I knew of. If he was saved, he was a babe in Christ, which would be enough. But he never pursued any sort of religion ever in his life.

Two months later, my husband developed a heart condition of his own, and over the course of the rest of 2018, he spent most of his time in the hospital. He wound up getting an artificial heart and then a heart transplant at the end of the year. 

I prayed every day that God would keep my husband alive and heal him.

We spent 2019 in a bit of quarantine because he was so susceptible to infection in that first year of a transplanted heart. He was extremely immunosuppressed during the first year after the surgery. He was on medication that lowered his immune system so that his body wouldn’t reject his new heart. He is still on most of those medications, but at lower doses because his body is getting used to his heart.

During that period of time, while my husband could’ve died nearly every day, I continued to spend a lot of time in prayer, begging God to keep my husband alive so I wouldn’t have to live without him. Thankfully, my husband did very well and we never had any major complications.

In 2020, right after my husband’s precarious first year after his heart transplant was up, I had a polyp removed from my sinus cavity and before that was healed, COVID lockdowns happened. I also discovered in March of 2020, that I had stage 2 breast cancer. After having to go through 2 surgeries and twenty radiation treatments without my husband being allowed to go to appointments with me because of the COVID lockdowns, I thought I was finished with cancer. My doctor gave me pills to control my estrogen, and sent me on my merry way.

In November of 2021, my dog found a new lump under my collarbone. I went in for more testing and found out that I had progressed to stage IV metastatic breast cancer. It had spread to my brain, bones, lungs, and lymphatic system. For those of you who are curious, the type of cancer I have is recurrent metastatic breast cancer, ER/PR positive, and HER2 negative.

After a lumbar puncture, a biopsy in my lungs and lymph nodes, all sorts of other testing, and some time in a clinical trial, I was told that I had “innumerable lesions” in my brain, to which my shocked husband replied, “That’s not even a number!” 

In early 2022, I had full brain radiation treatments. After that I started having trouble walking and using my left hand and was slurring my speech. So in July of 2022, I had brain surgery to drain some tumors of their fluids. Then I was put on a chemotherapy plan that I am supposed to endure for the rest of my life.

I had to go into physical therapy to learn how to walk again. And I slowly taught myself how to use my left hand again. 

And all the way through all of this, I was constantly told that I had a great attitude about what I was going through. I was also asked how I did it. How could a person go through all of these awful things for six years (at the time of writing this in 2024) and still maintain a good attitude?

I have a one word answer for that. Faith.

During the time my husband was dealing with his heart issues, he spent a lot of time in the hospital. I spent a lot of time driving to and from Phoenix so I could see him. But I also have a chronic illness called Meniere’s Disease that kept me from visiting more than every other day because I would get too tired from the hour drive each way and the long walks through the hospital. 

Every morning, whether I saw my husband or not, I walked my dog. While we were out walking, I prayed. 

My prayers started with me begging God every day to make my husband better and to get him well enough to come home. I prayed morning, noon, and night for that to come true. I cried and begged and I was constantly filled with grief and anxiety.

It wasn’t until I finally agreed to surrender my husband to God’s will that I suddenly found peace.

Surrendering my will to God’s will was a tremendous relief and I was able to get through the days I couldn’t see my husband without crying. Surrendering to God gave me peace and the confidence I needed to get through each day.  

I just took one day at a time and surrendered my stress and anxiety every single day to my Lord and Savior. It took discipline, but it worked. I left every day in the hands of God and trusted Him to keep my husband’s condition under control.

I honestly don’t think I would be doing as well as I am dealing with my cancer if I hadn’t spent the time getting closer to God while my husband was in the hospital.

I spent a lot of time praying and reading the Bible during that time. I thought I was building the strength to deal with my husband’s illness and surgeries. But in reality, God was preparing me for my own upcoming illness. If I hadn’t gone through all of that with my husband, I think I would’ve been a wreck when I was told I had cancer. Especially when I was told I had innumerable brain tumors. For me, that was the scariest part to hear.

I was so blessed by God to have had Amos, my service dog, during this time. If he hadn’t found my cancer the second time, there is a good possibility that I would have died before we discovered the cancer had metastasized.

I had just been cleared to not have to go back for any more tests for six months. Two weeks later, Amos was sitting next to me on the floor while I was watching TV with my husband.

Amos started alerting my collarbone and when I finally checked myself to see what he was doing, I found a new lump. It was just beneath my collar bone, where a normal breast exam and mammogram wouldn’t catch it.

I was so grateful that Amos found the new tumor when he did. I was able to call the hospital and my doctor got me in right away for more testing. It was after all my testing that we found out that my cancer had metastasized to my lungs, lymph nodes, bones, and brain. 

A few months later after losing mobility and most of the control of my left side, I went in for brain surgery. I had lost the use of most of my left side. I couldn’t walk normally, I struggled with being able to hold things, I was slurring my speech and the left side of my face was likened to having a stroke. I couldn’t dress myself properly and I said really weird things, according to my husband.

I had to go through full brain radiation and then brain surgery in order to get through all of that. I don’t really remember the order in which things happened or the timing of things. I just know I did the full brain radiation first because it made my hair fall out so when it came time for my brain surgery, they didn’t have to shave my head.

After my brain surgery, it was a great relief to be able to talk more normally again. I had physical therapy to help me learn to walk again and did some home PT to get my left hand working again.

All of this was what led me closer to God. During this time I prayed more and read the Bible more than ever. I still do because all of that has led me closer to God.

What did I pray about to bring me closer to God?

Gratitude.

Even though all of what I went through would sound like a nightmare to most people, I always tried to count my blessings instead of my problems. 

First and foremost, I was grateful for my salvation. I was grateful to know that no matter what happened, I will be going to heaven once this is all over with.

Second, I was grateful to still be alive. I was grateful my husband was still alive. 

I was grateful to have another day with my loving husband and my sweet dog.

I would look for things to be grateful for every day, because without gratitude, days become dismal and hard to get through.

With gratitude, my countenance was much better. My attitude was much better. My general outlook was much better.With gratitude everything felt much better and easier to deal with.

Now don’t get me wrong. I still had moments where I cried and wondered when all of this would end. If God would miraculously cure me, or if I was destined to have a short life like my brother. 

I had to teach myself to be grateful for every day that God allowed me to have, and be grateful to have a home, a loving husband, a wonderful dog, and parents that loved me. I try to begin each day with thanking God for waking me up in the morning.

And even though it looks like I will be fighting cancer for the rest of my life, I am at peace with God by my side.